As much as I would love to put this day behind me I feel like I have to find a way to process it first, imagining it never happened will most definitely not work.

What feels like a very long time ago, I can’t even remember what age I was, I went in to fix a tooth that just like the one today needed urgent attention, attention that I intended to spend healing after an incredibly long year(s) with traumatic changes but faith had a different plan for me. During that visit the dentist decided to allow her daughter who was still a student at the time to do the work on my tooth. For reasons unknown to me, I could only speculate at this point, she decided to forgo the anesthetic. I was never known to have a high tolerance for pain, therefore every single drill, every single scrapping, every single close and intimate encounter between their surgical tools and the nerves of my tooth was felt to the fullest. It was more than enough for me to not return to the dentist’s office for a very long time after that.

During the appointment I had today I mentioned to the doctor that I don’t seek treatment unless I am in severe pain, and believe me when I say that it takes a lot, and while just as important and impactful there is another reason for the delay and that was simply because I could not afford it. With the year I’ve had, in between taking jobs I had no business taking because I was stupid and I panicked, between losing a job at the epitome of all toxic workplaces and having waited six months to receive the unemployment funds I was approved for, all of that and so much more I never told anyone about I ended up maxing out my credit cards and reaching a point where I could no longer afford my rent.

I thought I would handle this visit better than the last when I had a panic attack while the anesthesia was setting in. I remember hyperventilating and tears rushing down my face, lucky for me there was no one in the room to see it, I managed to get a handle on things before the dental assistance returned but in today’s instance, I was wrong. I somewhat handled it OK until the x-rays came back and I asked the question: how much would the treatment cost me? Before any work would commence I needed to know what I was signing up for. Hearing the amount made me sick. I was in shock, I knew I would have to pay out of pocket since insurance doesn’t cover the entire cost of the treatment but when you take into account a few of the aforementioned events including being paid starvation wages that most average sized hotels are known for and having all credit card maxed out, the amount came as quite a shock, I could tell the clerks saw me in distress and knew the amount was more than I could afford but could do nothing about, it wasn’t as if I could walk out, despite really wanting to, and stay in pain, that simply was not option. It was the typical stuck in between a rock and hard place kind of situation.

In between resisting supremely awful gag reflexes and turning whiter that I already was in the dentist’s chair from the commotion caused by surgical tools I was looking forward to having the whole ordeal coming to an end. I could not fathom the thought that I could not afford, even with insurance, the entire cost of the treatment, in between negotiations and slight “discounts” my part to cover came at about seven hundred dollars (please see this invoice, sensitive information has been erased for privacy reasons), the remaining cost and treatment that I decided to forgo was the implant that would have set me back an additional three thousand dollars. It was during that visit that I decided that okay, I’m gonna be with a gap in between my teeth for the foreseeable future, as bad as things seemed at the time I took consolation in knowing at least I won’t be in pain, there are many sources of great pain, tooth ache happens to be one of them. It can turn a normal person into a mad man. It was more than I could bear.

Had it not been for the amazing supportive creatures in the twitterverse I wouldn’t have been able to get through this day. All of you encouraging me to go with the extraction made me feel better about the whole procedure. It was your positive and soothing energy that helped me not dwell on it and make the best use of the time that was left from a three day weekend. The pain started the day the weekend started (for most people weekend includes saturday and sunday, for hospitality workers includes whatever days off they have assigned) and it concluded in the last few hours of what was supposed to be time for my radio project, my video content project and blog project. Despite having a lot of that time taken away, it was because of you that I found the motivation to put some thoughts into cohesive sentences (I hope so at least, please keep in mind, english is not my first language, coming from a latin language the transition was not easy). It was because of you I found the energy to remove as much chaos and stressors from my living space as I could, I ate a few bowls of a top notch beets soup I made the other day (please find the recipe below) but could not eat because of unbearable pain and it was absolutely incredible, took a long bath as I intend to have a good hair day at work and turning a new leaf and lastly but not least write this long ass text.

In the interest of not losing my mind and do my best to avoid another spiral I want to focus on the upcoming holiday season, decorate the tree that I put up tonight, in light on recent events I decided that this year I will be making an exception to my own “No Tree Before Thanksgiving” rule and take my mind off from terrible thoughts. I honestly do not have a game plan for now other than carrying on with what I started. I have a few goals left for the year of 2021, a few of them being, writing a few more posts and have a few eyeballs to read them, do at least one more broadcast for the radio project and of course have a few ears to listen and lastly but not least become more comfortable and not look like someone who’s missing a few chromosomes when making video content (making youtube videos, becoming a youtuber sounds too simplified, I want to do more than that).

A few of you have expressed desire to help cover the medical expenses and to be honest with you I’m having trouble typing this as is, I will never ever expressly ask anyone for it for a few reasons, gofundme pages should not be the norm in helping people in difficult situations, two, it would be a pretty humiliating experience to be one of those people who might take this away from someone who actually needs instead of having had handled my financials better and make better decisions overall, and three because there is nothing I enjoy less than being in a vulnerable position where I need help instead of being the helper. Often times it feels like I’ve hit rock bottom and being in a vulnerable situation where I need to depend on the kindness of other people feels like it may finish the job more important because I also believe that nobody will actually help even though a few of you have pointed out that that’s not true. It would hurt to learn that I was right but in case I am wrong I added the tip jar to the main homepage where anyone, should they want to, could consider lending their support, for me, for my projects, my survival so that one day soon I could pass it forward to others wanting to get back on their feet as well. Please keep in mind the existing contributions date from July and were meant for Radio Signify.

I want to end this on a positive note, I am not in as much pain anymore, while pain relievers help, my soul aching, my heart aching, sometimes literally, may carry on for the foreseeable future but for now I am thankful for the support you’ve given me. I hope I can find the motivation to make a thanksgiving video, it is never a given, and thank the people that have been instrumental in getting me where I am today, times might be tough nowadays but they’re miles ahead of where they used to be about six years when I left the cold post soviet political environment that let’s just say is not entirely friendly to misfits like me, to put it mildly. Despite all this I intent to have a fantastic day at work where I am being the confident me that took three months to achiever and many more ahead to perfect. I will be the usual me, sickeningly sweet and outgoing, making sure everyone is assisted to the best of my ability and I hold myself to impossibly high standards. I may never achieve them but just striving for them might give me the necessary experience and expertise to stand out and having the life that I keep fighting for even though at times it feels completely pointless. There are many reasons for why I’m still here today, please know you’re one of them.

In case I somehow lost you along the way and just scrolled down to the bonus section, something audiovisual to enjoy than please enjoy this recipe of the soup I made the other day. Make it for your family and you won’t regret it.