I often ask myself, if I had the opportunity to do go back and do things differently, would I do it? I have a feeling most people would decline and say they’re pretty much content with how things turned out. I, on the other, would very much love a do-over. Not because it was that great, but because it was that terrible. In the last several years since leaving my point of origin I have learned to accept myself more and deny myself less and less opportunities. I am scared shitless to be honest with you but I’m going for more and more things, I’m putting myself out there more, I communicate more in more diverse mediums, I’m thinking outside the box more and rushing myself less, after tripping so many times it was due for me to finally learn the lesson and slow the. fuck. down.
If I could go back and do it all over again I would start with the age of sixteen, participate in more extra curricular activities, speak up more and not give a damn about bullies, but I did what I could to survive and preserve as much of myself as possible. It was not easy, I only realize now just how deprived of my freedom to be myself I was back then, I look at myself in the mirror and think that this is how I would have loved to express myself like and be respected and cheered on and appreciated for the wholesomeness that I bring where the interior matches the exterior of a someone who’s genuine, funny, with a giant heard and bottomless desire to help people avoid pain, loss and suffering. I knew I had to have long hair, in some ways it was in my DNA, in my destiny, it was part of who I was as a person, it wasn’t hurting anyone except ruining the outdated version of male and female standards in the narrow minds of some, incapable to understand the psychological ramifications of the limitations that they would force onto others.
When in my teens I joined this group of young people that were interested in promoting youth participation in their community and inspire new leaders that bring community development by participating in town meetings and making their voices heard to their elected officials and actually give a damn about things that are happening around them, we are idealistic and incredible dreamers but even so we managed to achieve quite a lot including building and opening a youth resource center that I would often times attend and sleep at once or twice after a movie night with fellow school mates, one of the few positive heartwarming memories that I will cherish until the day I die. For the most of it, my life there was terrible but there were moments like the ones with the movie night that kept the light on long enough for me to live in one the most famous cities in the whole world where I have a fantastic job and the first time in forever the opportunity to have a successful radio station/blog/content creation medium (youtube). For the most of it I had no real refuge, at home or at school, those were the places that traumatized me to begin with but at least there was that small group of young people who dared to dream to change the world to be more diverse and inclusive that for the most part accepted me and were my friends when I had no one. I am the person today in part to their impact on me and for that I am thankful.
I would still do it, all over again and be the confident person I am today, only a tenth of what I actually should be but still miles ahead of who I once was. I didn’t have many resource back then but I have them now, I can’t get the time that’s lost back but I can make better use of the time I have now. I wish I could do it all over again but life doesn’t work that way, it’s time to do move forward and it will take major, almost radical transformation and I hope I can find the necessary support to do it. The causes that I wanna advocate for, the universal healthcare, balanced work-personal life, living wages, gender equality, advocate for sciences and the list goes on, it’s gonna require someone who’s a lot more put together and I have to get there, I have to become that someone but often times it feels like I’m screaming into a void and feeling overwhelmed with the inability to figure out a way out of that state. If you got some suggestions I’m all ears.
I guess the moral from all this is, it’s not too late just yet, there is still plenty of time barring any falling inadequately secured ACs or falling planes on top of my car on my way to work. The thoughts of a few of you have been positive and encouraged me to continue. And that’s what I’m doing. I want to accomplish big things, I want to be able to buy a house, start a family, run a successful radio venture, speak with people, learn their stories, shine a light on their journeys, deliver the message, understand the audience, help people. And boy oh boy do I need your help because there is virtually no way in hell I will achieve by myself, I am not controversial enough nor do I want to be to generate enough interest so I’m gonna need yourself, let’s start by leaving your thoughts in the comment section below, if you want to of course, I’d love to refresh this page and have a few comments to reply to. The success of a blog can be measure by the simply fact that it loads and it displays in an organized fashion, I decided to set a very low bar for me to clear but I would sure love for it to exceed my expectations and see your support in any shape, way or form.
I will be a lot more specific in my future work, I wanna advocate for the trans community and help people understand them and be more welcoming and empathetic. I wanna advocate the LGBTQ community at large and narrow the divide between people who simply sit on the sidelines who’s support could be life changing to those who need it the most. I wanna advocate for healthy work environments that look out of the employees and the customers they serve, I wanna set higher standards and help us all achieve them because we can, because I love this place and because I wholeheartedly believe in it despite the many times it has let us down in the past six years, it persevered and I persevered as well, we persevered together and that says a lot, we’re a lot more resilient than I thought, help me keep this motivation going. If you’re not sure how but really really want to, just ask below in the comment section and I will do my best to come up with a list of options from which you could choose from. Also, if you could turn back time, would you do it all over again?
If anything, this helped already, I truly hope I can find a way to write the next one sometime soon. Thank you immensely for listening. It means everything.
In case I somehow lost you along the way and just scrolled down to the bonus section, something audiovisual to enjoy than please enjoy the unique choreography of Yanis Marshall, Aisha Francis, and Danielle Polanco in a Millennium Dance Compless video.
So impressed with your progress. Do not resist the struggles because they are motivation towards your goal. When you achieve these goals…which I know you will…look back with pride. I’m blessed I’ve been able to know you
Thank you so much for doing this for me, I just didn’t want to look at this comment section and see it empty, it really breaks my heart.
Things have been really bad, you don’t know the half of it, but things have been improving, hope they keep improving so I can my dreams come true.
Heyo Gabe!
This is an interesting journal-cum-manifesto you’ve put together. It tells us who you are, how you got to be that way, and who you want to be as you move forward. I look forward to seeing you grow and develop both as a person and as an advocate for others. Just remember that if progress takes time, it doesn’t mean people don’t like you or that you or your ideas are unworthy. Life takes time and we have to be patient with it even as we grab it by the horns and direct it where we want to go. Just keep sticking to it even through disappointments and you’ll get where you want to go. Don’t be afraid to revise, take critique, and evolve as you go. And since you’ve settled in the very home of Lady Luck, may she be always on your side, even in failure. 🙏🥳
First of all, as usual allow me to start by saying thank you and let you know that i am totally loving this. I thought I would try, if it works it works, if it doesn’t it doesn’t, no expectations, and somehow I was able to write something, it didn’t have to be of high quality, just as long as it makes sense it should be fine and I hope it did. I wanna do big things and I hope that by writing I will get the help I need to make those big things happen. I’m gonna try to be as patient as possible but here is the thing, time flies fast and I gotta move fast while I’m still young and can experience things that most young have enjoyed already. I’ve been scared for far too long, I can do things and now I’m gonna show it.
Hi, I too, would like a redo, but I guess the only the positive option is to work on the now. My teens were pretty shitty, but it sounds like yours were worse. I envy kids today their resources, I urge them to make use of what there is, because we almost literally had nothing. I found inspiration in your post, I want you to know that, and I hope your troubles take a back seat to your aspirations. We all have to look out for each other. Best wishes to you!
That was beautifully said “hope your troubles take a back seat to your aspirations” I hope that too, I let them run my life and genuinely thought I would never be able to make any significant impact despite my best efforts, I’m glad I was wrong, it’s time I do a little more and combine all of my life experience and all of my random skills and put them to good use. Life will screw with us over time and time again, it doesn’t mean we should give up, there is happiness out there for me so I’m gonna go look for it and I’m gonna use this blog, this radio station, this youtube channel to get where I’m supposed to be.
Gabe,
You have so much to offer, and it’s exciting to see how you decide to channel an abundance of empathy for others and strive to maintain a positive attitude in your daily life.
One thought: have you considered becoming a therapist? It could be a profession to utilize your life experiences and your strong desire to help others, especially youth.
As you move forward, you are not alone. You connect with people easily, and I wish you happiness.
To be honest, yes, I’ve considered it but I’ve decided against it, maybe I should revisit it someday, at the time I decided against because I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle the struggle of others without them my own as I usually do. I want to go back to school but with my current debt and the high cost of education in america it may be a little while before that happens though it’s definitely happening, just don’t know when for now.
“I can’t get the time that’s lost back but I can make better use of the time I have now,” this is the line that most resonates with me from your blog and tells me you will achieve your goals and be a success. I hate giving young people advice because most don’t respect what their elders have to say. But, for what it’s worth, not wasting your free time is one of the best ways to become successful. You appear to be doing just that but it’s also good to spend time meeting new friends and getting out there that way.
File the hardships you’ve had growing up away and look for the good ahead for you. I wish you the best success.
It’s a great question and I like you would go back, undo the terrible childhood and have a loving set of parents. I would have loving relationships with my siblings too instead of the non-existence we now have. But then I’d take different paths & choices & may not be here to see this. There is a meaning to life & reasons why we get what we get. No do overs! I think we are supposed to learn from the tragedies and they form our presenting self. I had pain, trauma and raised children, and now later years alone facing life. I have volumes to reflect back on, but unknowns ahead. I will accept that which I cannot change & await what comes next with an open mind & heart.